This blog and video, Confidence Motivation, helps you tune into the appropriate level of confidence, to benefit many areas of life. So you no longer suffer the limitations of counter-productive unnecessary low confidence.
This recording focuses on situations when you know logically, “I don’t really need to feel or be unconfident in that situation” but the conscious realisation doesn’t stop you feeling or acting unconfidently.
It’s important to start by setting the goal clearly. If confidence is not backed by competence, people will and should have difficulty with confidence. A feeling of low confidence can be helpful and appropriate. It can be a message our body sends us to prevent us from taking inappropriate action. Trying to force confidence should be unsuccessful, when your protective subconscious self knows that it’s unsafe or fake.
This recording focuses on situations when the message of a low confidence feeling is unhelpful, and prevents us from taking appropriate action. So make sure the area you focus on to increase your confidence, is one where you have a basic competence. This recording is not trying to lie to ourselves, instead are allowing ourselves our true appropriate level of confidence.
So Why Develop Confidence?
Confidence isn’t required for all situations in life, but it can help us deal with challenging situations. Any challenging situation brings with it some risk and some reward. The possibility of failure or rejection. The possibility of success or acceptance.
There is a subconscious tendency to try to avoid pain, and gain pleasure. And we tend to do more to avoid pain, than we do to gain pleasure. So we can try to play it safe. There’s little risk, but little possibility for reward. And in the end, a life with no risk is so unrewarding that the real greatest risk is in taking no risk at all.
Yet old people, looking back on their lives, tend to regret the things they didn’t do. They eventually learn that though we tend to prefer to avoid risk, we also tend to over-estimate risk, and under-estimate the rewards, that mean fulfilling our life purpose.
Even it’s as simple as starting a conversation with a potential romantic, social or business partner. Or low confidence can mean waiting until your ability has been proven 100% before we allow ourselves to believe in it. But by then it may be too late.
We can tend to see things as black or white. Success or Failure. Acceptance or Rejection. Let’s look at both of these, starting with;
Success or Failure
We can seem to 'fail' many times, yet there are elements of success and failure in everything. We can call an event a failure even when we had many elements of success within it, and when it allows us to learn how to be more successful in future. So we can say we learn more from our seeming failures. Yet our interpretations can grab defeat from the jaws of victory.
Some apparent successes can be short lived, and teach us little to evolve our competence. They can even give us excessive confidence, that can set us up for future failure. We become over-confident, think we are untouchable, and end up with a hard reality check.
Seeming success can also not be as satisfying or meaningful as we imagine it would be. Especially if it comes without learning, struggle or seeming early failure along the way.
So we get the paradox, that we in order to succeed more, and have more worthwhile successes, we have to be willing to supposedly “fail” more. So we can say that;
“there is no such thing as failure, only feedback.”
There is no such thing as failure, just situations we pass through as we learn and move forward, as part of fulfilling our life purpose.
The other black or white mindset we can have that can contribute to low confidence is the apparent duality of;
Acceptance or Rejection
We can start to get to know another person, but the time or fit might not be right. Then we don’t need to hang on to the hope of them accepting us. Instead we can accept the situation, and appreciate it for what it was, what it did give us, and move on with our confidence intact.
We can continue to take responsibility for our feelings by having the source of acceptance within ourself. We can often interpret another's actions as a rejection, when it’s really not. If we continue to accept ourselves, we make it much easier, for all others to accept ourselves too.
Sometimes we only need to be accepted once, for example, to have a fulfilling life partner. Yet for that to be sustained, a healthy relationship doesn’t just depend on them accepting us. It depends on us accepting ourselves, and our source of acceptance overflowing, so that we can accept them, unconditionally.
Real confidence doesn’t come from a self-focused needy desire for people to accept us, but from an inner clarity and mature strength that helps others, so they feel more confident and accepted around us.
So How Can We Approach Confidence?
Imagine a person literally standing in their “comfort zone”. Imagine there is a challenging situation in front of them. They have three options.
1) Step back away from challenging situation, or go backwards, with an avoidance type body language.
2) Get pushed towards the challenging situation, and be there hesitantly, with closed protective body language.
3) Step forward, towards the challenging situation, and move forward, with open confident body language.
So we can;
1) Go Back - and Avoid.
2) Go Forward - and Block.
3) Go Forward - with Confidence.
These are the ABC’s of confidence.
Developing confidence starts with a decision. Because two out of three options give you a choice that lets you go through life without really having to develop confidence. In the short term that can actually be rewarded. It can seem to feel good and be safe. But this short term feeling can not be an authentic good feeling, because it can turn into regret and bad feelings in the long term.
So you are here to make a choice to develop more confidence. That means deciding to step forward into challenging situations, to gain the authentic long term good feelings. That also means deciding to no longer block or avoid challenging situations. Because trying to never fail or have any discomfort can add up to uncomfortable failure in itself.
We can develop clarity, confidence and ease at a subconscious level, so we see things the way they ultimately are in the long term. Without being clouded by the way we they feel them to be in the short term.
What Are Your Compelling Reasons?
Now is the time to convince yourself that you decide to develop more confidence, because you authentically must. As we go through these questions, you can pause to think it through. You will also think of more and deeper reasons after you've finished reading.
Three Worst Things About Low Confidence
What are three worst things about low confidence for you? What is a challenging situation for you? There may be many challenging situations where you already actually do have a natural confidence. Yet there are situations where you still have lower confidence.
What low confidence situations have triggered you to be listening now?
Are the social, with existing friends? Or blocking making new friends?
Are they romantic, approaching new people, or making decisions about relationships you are in now?
Are they professionally? Situations that could offer you career advancement, but you miss out on them?
What are the times you thought to yourself – "I’ve got to develop more confidence"?
See what you saw, here what you heard. Feel the emotion that made you decide you must develop more confidence. Tell yourself the story about that moment.
Pick one time, where exactly were you?
How did you feel then?
What did you think?
What conclusion did you come to?
Keep cycling through those memories, reminding yourself of your decision - that you must develop more confidence to be true to yourself now.
Three Best Things About Confidence
What will be the three best things about developing more confidence?
Will they be personal, professional or social?
Better relationships with others, and yourself?
Energy. Health. Lightness. Strength.
What do you really want?
What will developing more confidence give you?
So now you have a few compelling reasons that are your own. So you can convince your subconscious mind that you can step forward confidently into challenging situations. You can have the intention and motivation to move forward. So now we look at tools to make this happen as part of your subconscious auto-pilot.
Swish Pattern - NLP Reprogramming Technique
The language of the subconscious which is mainly pictures, key word and feelings. This technique, derived from Neuro Linguistic Programming's (NLP) Swish, uses symbolic images to tell our subconscious mind - "not this, that."
So not this - Avoid, Block.
Choose that - Confidence.
What image can represent a trigger situation that used to bring up low confidence, and Avoiding or Blocking?
For example, a challenging situation you would avoid or get pushed into. So you would automatically freeze or have a protective body language. Your stomach churned or your heart beat faster. Your thoughts were negative, you visualised failure and your beliefs were limiting. Maybe it’s hesitating to talk to someone personally or professionally.
Think of an example that is a limiting unwanted area of habitual low confidence for you. Make the picture big, close and fuzzy grey. Make the sound like ‘I can’t’, with a weak, low energy feeling.2) Choose That - Confidence
What image can represent a new fulfilling outcome, that comes from appropriate confidence?
Imagine, for example, a picture of you feeling confident taking a significant action or getting the significant result. Make the picture smaller, in the distance, but bright vibrant colors. Make the sound like ‘I can do it’. Make the feeling full of endorphins and strong energy.
Swish; Now imagine the colorful picture of your confidence at the back is attached by rubber bands to the gray picture of the challenging situation that used to bring up low confidence in front. Imagine you can pull the colorful picture of your confidence back, and hear the sound like ‘I can do it’ and the endorphin good energy.
Then let the colorful picture of your confidence blow away the gray picture of the low confidence, replacing it with the now big and bright colorful picture of confidence.
Maybe you hear the sound of your confidence picture swishing forward, and feel the hit as it blows away the old low confidence picture, and replaces it with much better big and bright colorful picture of your confidence, looking, sounding and feeling great.
Do this again. Let the colorful picture of your confidence go to the back and get small again, and try to get the gray picture of the low confidence situation in front.
Imagine pulling back on the rubber band and letting the colorful picture of your confidence burst forward, and blow away the gray picture of the low confidence situation, replacing it with the now big and bright colorful picture of confidence, looking, sounding and feeling great.
Keep doing this, again and again, very quickly, 10 or 20 times.
So as you think about a situation that used to bring up low confidence, avoidance or blocking, that is now a trigger that reminds you of your confidence, in a way that’s bright, loud and clear, and sound like ‘I can do it’, with good endorphin feelings.
Old challenging situations that used to bring up low confidence now trigger the images and feeling of your decision to move forward with your natural true confidence, in a way that is bright, loud and clear. Challenging situations now remind you of your desire to get the authentic long term fulfilment of moving forward with confidence.
If you found this Swish section a little hard to follow in the written version, watch Confidence Motivation as a video. You could then come back to the written version and 'get it' more easily.
For now, enjoy each step along the way as you choose more confidence more automatically.